Battle The Demons, Fight For Life, Endure In Adversity But Nurture Your Humanity

11:35pm: "Someday my Pain"
I realised I am a shadow, I still, try as though i might. Live on my own former glory. I see myself not as I am now, but as I was before. Truth be told, I pale in comparison to the man I was once proud to be. Don't mistake me, this is no self-pitying and agonising statement. It is merely the truth.

In my current state I am unable to travel far from the truth. I am running on instinct. I am running just at the core. There is no control here. My thoughts and feelings are dictated by some kind of pure logic, sometimes callous and methodical to such a degree, I feel inhuman. I never knew it could be this way, I feared what would happen, if my ego remain unchecked, if I didn't second guess my gut feelings, my instincts, If i let them run too far believing whole heartedly in them. Yes I get things done, and yes the unemotional content is sliced through with surgical precision and some accuracy but i lose sight easily, I put my faith in the wrong things. I lose my drive, and i can't switch the need off. The need to solve, to react to flowing information. I seek challenges that keep me from interacting with all that matters.

I have lifted my head to see the world around me is crumbling. And i know when i right there is always some sort of dramatisation and great emotional flood that it makes it hard to believe i ever could be an optimist. But, I am. I am a shadow of my former self, but like my former self, I am allowing myself to evolve. I am becoming something better, i will find my way.

11:30am: Breaking Through
New thought, idea, philosophy, i can't discriminate anymore. I just know, I was built to be unhappy, so any scrap of joy and pleasure I treasure it, whole hearted, with each breath and every single sensation I hold on for as long as it lasts. I don't know how i found my way here, and for once in my life I don't even know where here is. I cannot describe in any words the feelings inside or even the sensations outside. What i know is where i want to be, and that i'm going to stay happy on my journey there. I've got all i need and no setback will hold me down anymore.

I'm breaking through, i don't need any of these insecurities anymore. They kept me safe, they made life simple when it needed to be, but I'm ready, it's time for a new 'me'. Once again, lets see what the new season can bring.

4:18pm: So i've finally made an effort to start posting atleast something maybe now and then maybe more often. Its something to do with the fact in my 4 week break from my course I realised I don't make much me time. I make time to attempt to relax, never succesfully but its an attempt, but I don't make time for me and mine and i guess more specifically my head. The head. That head. The noise bucket.

There is quite possibly a call for a most incredible mass update but at the moment i'm at work and not able to really check what i even posted about last (this is gonna be backdated i expect) making it likely I am to re-cover ground already in the soup. Oh and just to qualify I'm in a quasi scientific-stupendous-silly-mature-laid back kinda mood. So yeah if i haven't already covered it I'm a dad! YAY ME! Sadly I cannot convey any of those fleeting feelings from knowing this little newborn is your beautiful little girl but i can tell you she holds a very big place in my heart. After much sensible scoring games in some vein attempt to find a name prior to the day I am pleased to say that her name just popped out on the day and she has been graced with the 'tag' =P of Kaitlyn Joy Doherty =D.

She is quite possibly the happiest person on the planet, even when something unexpectedly upsets her she screws her face up then... nah, i'm too happy <

4:18pm: To A New Beginning
So i've finally made an effort to start posting atleast something maybe now and then maybe more often.  Its something to do with the fact in my 4 week break from my course I realised I don't make much me time.  I make time to attempt to relax, never succesfully but its an attempt, but I don't make time for me and mine and i guess more specifically my head.  The head. That head.  The noise bucket.

There is quite possibly a call for a most incredible mass update but at the moment i'm at work and not able to really check what i even posted about last (this is gonna be backdated i expect) making it likely I am to re-cover ground already in the soup.  Oh and just to qualify I'm in a quasi scientific-stupendous-silly-mature-laid back kinda mood.  So yeah if i haven't already covered it I'm a dad! YAY ME! Sadly I cannot convey any of those fleeting feelings from knowing this little newborn is your beautiful little girl but i can tell you she holds a very big place in my heart.  After much sensible scoring games in some vein attempt to find a name prior to the day I am pleased to say that her name just popped out on the day and she has been graced with the 'tag' =P of Kaitlyn Joy Doherty =D.

She is quite possibly the happiest person on the planet, even when something unexpectedly upsets her she screws her face up then... nah, i'm too happy <<giggle, giggle>>.  She's also totally nuts, an avid lover of music and if it weren't for her jelly like legs would be dancing to every sound the tv, radio, toy guitar and others make.  I have plenty of pictures still to be grabbed together and thrown into various albums but plenty are already available on my facebook page.  Going further back i'm happy to also announce (hopefully for the first time) I'm engaged and extremely pleased about it.

I must admit we've had our ups and downs, a split, a regathering and quite possibly the nearest we've come to parting ways before starting the stretch that is to be our longest and most succesful and we're both making good on all the bad times that we may have endured, no details I save thee (and apologise to others who may have bemoaned).  We're currently just passing days by through all the stress and commitments, enjoying every second with our baby who is quite possible the only thing keeping us afloat and level during the rough patches with her infectious smiles and laughter.  Plenty a stressful moment has ended in belly raspberrys and giggles along with baby acrobatics acculminating in the receipt of the most intense smiles and laughs and screams, not to mention the growls and devil voices.

Anywho, further to all the wondrousness (yes it really is a word) I'm happily moving forward with things.  I am currently on a humanistic counselling skills course and hopefully tonight completing my application for the post graduate diploma in counselling a final two year course before i start to aid humankind in a voyage of self discovery and hopefully guiding some out of the emotional mindfields we find ourselves in (cue prodigy).  Still i'm slowly beginning to manage my stress and my time and find some small space with which to catch up with peers and do the things that allowed me to connect with the world out there.  I guess this being one of them.  I should probably get back to work but I hope to be back again soon and to all those not reading this, have a nice day ;D

11:49pm: Harmony
So I guess it's been a while since posting for real. I believe the line I use is that I've been busy, had little time for it all. I think the truth is closer to I've been running, I've been hiding. Social interactions, world wide emotional networks forcing me to deal with all of life's little tweaks and problems. Jumping from one thing to another, they may not induce such physical dependencies but the "drug" is just as appealing. A complete absence of mind. As i'm sucked into the apathy that I rant and craze about so apparent in the rest of human race. But as will always be my love has cracked open this concealed chest, burst through the door, hoisted the sun till it hung high in the sky.

My "demons", my vices, my flaws, my failings and failures no they will not haunt me. This lingering depression, this untracable burden shall not stifle my resolve, I shall not stagger in crushing heat, I will not submit to defeat. I take each day as it comes until I can take that step beyond, lift my spirits, look to the stars, dare to dream once more. Dare to feel, dare to believe it will all be better. With my heart on my sleeve, I look to my friends, I take note of those that still stand, beaten by our own bloody wars. Its time to strike, time to lash back. True it can be said, that not all those who should be, are in our presence. But I cannot deny the resilience of time, and that hope that it brings.

I know the future seems unclear, that in my current state my prospects seem bleak. Bruised, battered, once beaten, left for dead, and riddled with scars. But like the last time, driven by this undying love, I resurrect from the ashes of my past, reborn with a raging fire, driven by my sweeping desire. This shall not be the end, this will not be my undoing. I'm done trying to fix things, I'm done trying to piece it all together cos it's gonna fit, I'll make it work and I don't think I'll take failure as an answer. Such "evils" running through my blood, such dark secrets that plague my mind, all these things that have crept in while the man was gone, but she shines her radiant light, i burn the heathen's in her glorious love. Only I can choose my path, only I can pull it together and I have begun to believe, and I have begun to see, the future is in my grasp, my dreams are carved with my own hands. It's time for something new.

10:10pm: "The Pursuit of Happiness" (Entered 09.06.07)
I don't know why it is i can't sleep. Whether its the mounting pressure or the fact I am so far from the man I so desire to be. I know that I am not asking too much; I used to be him. But then I realise, the reason I used to be him was because I realised nothing was stopping me but myself. So what's stopping me? How? Why? I can't see it and it saddens me. I used to pride myself on seeing straight and yet now I do not see things so. My plans, my morales, my ideals have become so huge, so overbearing I am lost underneath them.

In my understanding of the complications of everything before me I have lost sight of its simplicity. The sheer joy to be had in a fleeting touch, the power behind such a small thing as a smile. I realise that in my efforts to change I have been so logical and mathematical, so scientific I have left no room for the human touch. The heart, the error, the risk, the leap of faith. I have left the solitude and emotionless barrens of a deep dark depression for something just as bad in this senseless cold machine that I have become. Comically yet seriously I feel like robocop, initially. Buried under this mechanistic systematic way of thinking the real emotions are lost and unclear to outsiders.

Every person I have told about this forthcoming event, I am to be a father, I have failed to show the feelings it stirs within me. Most of all, under this layer of machine I have lost my drive and my ambition and at a time when I need it most. I know why I lost it, I just cannot work out just how to get it back. Its so hard to believe in things when your hope has been broken. Even in new hope there is still some doubt, maybe i'm not good enough. Yet I am still determined to make it, still determined to surpass this obstacle. I simply do not know how to give up even though I came so close to doing so. I just need to channel this determination before it too is lost.

I just want to feel in touch with reality once more. I'm sure I'll make it. I just hope it's soon. She deserves so much better and I can still give it. I just need to work harder. I need to get my head straight. I love so dearly I just find it hard not to be afraid. Still, I must sleep, or try to anyhow

4:20am: Hiding in the Dark
I think this may well just kill me. It's not supposed to be this way, it's not supposed to feel this way. I can't be that man, he cannot be a part of me. This life I've been given is not mine to throw away, this life i've been given does not allow me to choose. I live with my decision and swallow the pain with every stride. My heart has become my prison and nothing shall penetrate these walls. In this hollow chasm, left to contemplate my actions and face the future no matter what it holds. 'They' have orchestrated this coup d'etat and weakened as I am I cannot face my demons, I cannot hold back these feelings and I cannot set free my desires. Rigid are my ideals, I cannot be who they want me to be, and I cannot be that man, not without it consuming me whole. As this blackened cloud encroaches on the horizon, swallowing sky and sun extinguishing all light to guide me on this difficult path. How long before this consumes me, how long before I lose my way or has this already happened? With each day i grow weary and salvation continues to evade me. Where the light that warmed me has faded to a memory, will this journey make me worthy or shall this darkness continue? Do i turn and make my peace in this forsaken place or is there really a place in the world for a wretched soul, like me.

11:39pm: The Good, The Bad, and the Downright Beautiful
So things are going well I guess. Good and bad as with any life. So out with the worst of the bad, not the focus of my mind but underlying nonetheless, surfacing time to time. I cannot possibly describe the surge of relief that overcame me when I handed my dissertation in; despite knowing it incomplete and quite possibly entirely unworthy, though that did not worry me, I feel I gave up in the end. Like the pope to Michelangelo I kept asking myself “When will it end?” only finding the answer “When it is finished”. It seems I have not the discipline, the passion, or the tenacity that drove him. It did not help losing all self-belief, strange how it all went wrong. I put every last ounce of effort into this, then, I don’t know, I think I put in too much. The pressure was overwhelming. I had almost made it. Still, amidst the turmoil I found my love, my hope. I fear we have both hurt many others to be together but, as is key in life, a belief so strong made it undeniable.

Hence the good, it feels great to have her back in my life. I feel complete once more. I’ve been places I ‘forgot’ even existed and new ones too. Every moment I am with her is pure (unadulterated) bliss. There have been some rocky moments, but I feel they were constructive rather than destructive; its somewhat ironic that two people who often understand so much about the other without speaking a word that when we do it can often be construed and misunderstood so badly. The only thing that crosses all of this is this deep, burning love that we share. We are truly gripped by passion and I do not want it to end. I think we are heading for a happy medium too. I’m less inclined to show my love at all times and she is becoming more confident around friends. I believe all things will work out and few of the nagging fears can do anything to bring me down right now.

I am left with only two main concerns, money, and money and friends. No source of income is obviously not a good thing, but I’m finding myself in desperate need of it. A phone bill to pay, a string of birthdays and not enough to get myself a car let alone maintain it. Then there’s the additional going out, not that there’s even anyone around to go out with. Hopefully I’ll see Lewis when he gets back and Alice too, going slightly mad here, having to fight for my sanity between each time I see Vicky. But I’m sure all of that will be sorted with time. So hopefully things are on the up. I’m certainly feeling much better anyhow. That’s it for now.

12:13pm: From the Past and Into the Future
So... here it is, my latest update, some big changes within my life and maybe, just maybe, it warrants a little rant. I guess for the sake of understanding and my memory I should hold back the news and start from the beginning. Since my last entry I went out on the friday to play pool and go to the 'Brush' our rock/metal club. Before I went down I saw my grandad which put me in a good mood then I went and had dinner with dad. After this I headed to rayleigh lanes, the snooker club, and waited for alice. After about 45 mins lewis turned up with his family, slightly surprising cos I didn't know they were coming but I get on well with ian and lynn. It was maybe 15mins or more later Alice finally appeared (damn those pesky wormholes! I guess? or she got lost in her hometown ^^) and I met Rammy for the first time.

( Read more... )

4:11pm: The Decaying Spirit Gives Strength to the Lives That Follow
So... here I am. If I didn't know better I'd say I love it her at rock bottom. Taking a step outside of myself I see that I'm in a very hard place. I've spent two weeks of extreme highs and loes. Moments of utter joy and madness, sheer random ingenuity (maybe ^^) but moments of complete hopelessness, pain and confusion have interspersed these. Fact is, I don't think I've really dealt with a single problem in a long while. In a nutshell there are still nagging thoughts of Vicky; I'm still confused on my feelings for people around me; I haven't even begun to deal with all the stuff I feel about losing my nan; My close family relationships are really under a lot of strain; and altogether I'm struggling not to wallow in my regrets. It seems a huge writing is needed to resolve this. Something for me, not for others, something I probably advise not be read.

( Life as we know it, Will never be the same =S )

1:56pm: Sometime mid-late march
Written short while before my trip and all that followed from that, however a explorer glitch meant the page reset and for some reason the autosave draft wouldn't restore. I went to write today and i always check my last draft for no reason and it was there, kind of. It had random splurges of itself and systematically continued the main text with random spurge, then bit more, spurge etc. So this is all i got as it hit the max word limit. I have some idea of where its heading, but it seems thats somewhere close to where I am now.

Just, I notice, as I look around, nobody knows. Nobody sees. Nobody hears, this screaming rage inside. Occassionally I see a glance, a look, they think about saying something. I am completely without help, without guidance, but that is the choice I have made. There are so many available to me, yet I keep it away, letting out what little is necessary to survive. I find myself almost totally unmotivated to move forward, or even backward in my life. I look at myself and can't help but see how fragile I have become, it is hard to believe I was once the strongest emotional support to those who needed it in the current state I am. Every day my will is bent and cascades to paranoia and self-loathing, small bouts of depression. If i'm not sleeping I spend most of my time in the dark hiding from most of the world, only to emerge to be social with those I live with mostly for my own enjoyment but hopefully for theirs too. It is not a suicidal and destructive feeling I have yet it is set to have such effects, atleast the latter anyhow.

Simply I cannot find it, the thing that made it so simple, that outlook on the world, witty, quick, random and funny. Those were the few qualities I had pride in, not bitter, cynical, responsible, opionated and boring. Yet this is the life I have come to show, Resisting the appeal of that ethereal world that has consumed most of my recent life. Battling against the urge to collapse on the floor and break out into a thousand tears. Alice was right in a sense, I hurt easily. Not because I do, no, but because I was hurt. I was finally hurt, and I h...

I continued to say how I'm being hurt because of the unhealed wound I've been left with. That it has become almost my achilles heel. Thoughy my understanding of it has furthered today. Needless to say I was very angry that day. The whole losing all that I had spent an hour writing bit really kicked me off. I continued to break my desk, destroy half my keyboard, scream, bang my head and think about running far far far away. I don't remember what happened after. I think I spoke to alice. Still by the time I met her in Middlesbrough a few days later I was my top tivity self.

1:53pm: Said the monkey to the tree.... but the tree wasn't listening
Sooo...... Here I am. I think. Some vague resemblence of the personality you might call me. But that's far too serious for this time of day, or it is when you've only been up an hour =S. So i've been suffering from this condition, part of that larger experience they call the human condition. You might have seen me ill at ease, struggling day to day looking more like a tramp but you may excuse that being as it is that I am a student. If you've been reading you probably know, there was a girl, I suppose a special girl, who left. Only things aren't that special anymore. Rather than keep wishing for somebody elses eyes I think I finally got some new ones of my own.

I can't say that I'm out of the woods, I'm still covering new ground. Yet, this all seems strangely familiar, I've been here before and I know, this is moving forward. So I set about rescuing what's left in my life, getting on track with things I let get far out of my reach. Though i can't say I gained nothing these past 6 months, I've become quite a sharp shot on the pool tables which has helped me immensely in retaining some form of sanity. Finally I'm where I'm meant to be, I really am me. I may not be ready, I may not be totally ok but I got my smile and I'm just gonna keep my head up high. So what If i'm not ready for anything else right now, when are you ever ready? I'll take what comes and like the man I claim is so akin to me I will take what is thrown at me and do what I can. For those of you unfamiliar with Vash the Stampede, don't worry, REALLy, don't worry =) Unless your an anime nut, then DO WORRY! Worry a lot!

I guess this is kind of an satisfactory entry to cover the last 6 months but to be honest, its almost behind me, its not the happiest of stories and all that I would have to say is that I made a lot of mistakes although I have few regrets. The only thing I've truly lost is Colin, he's a great kid, and because somebody else lied to me and fell apart rather than do what is right I fear I will no longer see him. Great kid. I guess I just shuffle by, things are supposed to work out, its not true, it needs effort, but normally it needs other peoples effort rarely your own but obviously I have to be wrong, I'm in a minority. Where I am happiest, where I'm used to being, a minority of one which I can sometimes share with others. I rarely think of her anymore and just like the one before, I rarely mention her name. Except in poetry, hehe, so hit and miss is that - I do not know what it is so I can apply what I already have and make it better.

STOP! Enough seriousness, it cannot be taken! GAH! Back to my world. Come join me if your even the slightest bit mad, its a party in here. Everybody from the Mexican atomic banana wielding monkeys to the Gigantic hippo's from outer space are in here. Plus the one true monkey boy is skanking it up in the most chilled out place on this green earth. Well my green and blue earth, not this charred bleeding and broken earth, MY EARTH! Its not paradise, but it's a happy place. So I recommend for all the mad people McLUSKY!!!!! And all the sane ones Ambulance Ltd!!! And those set in their ways, well, I've made a return to the Red Hot Chili's so have a bit of them if you will. TTFN....

4:07pm: A Passing Moment
Take this heart and make it whole, these feelings they are so old but still fresh as the day I met you. If only I could be with you, if only you were still mine. Then I would never let you go, never have a moment pass when I didn't long to be next to you, I'd hold you like the world would end and never have you fall apart. So many things do I long to have with you and so many things I can no longer do this torture is more than my words can convey and tearing my soul driving me insane. Don't be fooled, I know this can never be and that this will only ever be a dream, but your eyes they come to me and sees within. No thoughts can I hide and this is whats inside, I love you, I love you more than you care to see, more than you will ever understand. All that I have is yours, all that you want I do. I stop breathing but for a moment and there you are, by my side, and as your radiance fills my life I let out a long exhale of relief, your hand in mine you take me to the heavens above. I will never feel such love and my strength it falters, my will it diminishes and as I slowly dig this grave for my eternal slumber I realise, only fools fall in love, and only mad men can be passionate and only my heart can take my life. As the beats begin to slow, the chill sets in and drifting off you will be in my mind, for no other memories can I find. Everything I had I had with you, everything I did I wanted for you and deluded as I was this delerium was the greatest moment of my entire life.

2:21pm: Well that entry earlier was cut short by mum shouting at me, kinda at the wrong moment too. Dad was playing Sinead O'Connor "Nothing Compares 2 U" throughout writing that and I was already close to tears. That just pushed me over. Dad found me though, held on to me, does that thing he does, unafraid to show he cares, trying to understand, if it wasn't so complicated I'd tell him the lot but I told him what I could. Breakfast was slow, felt slightly out of place, thought I knew everyone. Surprised I ate as much as I did seeing as I had a stomach ache all that morning. I don't know, promised myself I wouldn't let this happen. I think I tried so hard I made it happen. Heh, just in the middle of a convo with kitty, always makes me smile, haven't done that once today. Too afraid to call vicky, to say merry christmas, though I want it more than anything right now, the only thing I wish for today is for her to call. I text her, so I guess its ok, just, being me, I always want more.

Talking to kitty I realised some more things, while talking. Decided to convert some of it into this journal. Whats been happening to me today, see its been a beautiful day today, one of the most beautiful christmas' I've ever seen. Like kitty said that's fantastic, just, its not, not for me. It should be but I miss her so much. Christmas was always so special to me, just now it feels so lonely. The only thing I thought about on Christmas day was to keep Vicky smiling, all day, no matter what was happening at home or in her head. I was to keep her smiling all day through and that was christmas, but now I'm waking up alone. I don't rush to see her, not anymore, I don't get there before she wakes so I can snuggle up close and hold her tight through the morning fight.

I felt so sick this morning and I thought something I've not thought in a long long while. I thought how I don't want to live without her and that's when i thought how I'd give up every present and every moment of this day just to spend it with her. Try as I might I can't bring myself out of this, even though I need to, for my family. It hurts so much, I never truly feel at home till I'm with her. And like I was told I can always think how luck I am to have been with her for the short time I was, and I do! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't, but almost every happy memory I have, I spent with her and no one else.

Though I know I'll get through, one way or another, I just can't escape this downhearted feeling. I can't work out how to stop loving her, I'm not even sure I can. Even though there was a time when things were unsure, and my dad told me I have to, for my pride, for my self, but I cannot find any pride, I care not for it not when it means being alone. Instead I dream, I imagine you next to me, holding my hand, caressing my face, brushing your hand through my hair and looking at me with those beautiful eyes and telling me how precious I am to you. How you hold me tight and sometimes it feels like you'll never let go, how that's ok because I never want it to end. Then as I rest my head on the pillow, I'll watch you drift to sleep, as I slowly send you away to that peaceful place where no harm can come to you. I'll smile and maybe in a few hours, I'll fall asleep too.

9:57am: I wake up this morning, far away from you. I don't remember a morning like this, so alone, so cold, in pain. My eyes are barely open and my stomach's flipping like a pancake but I already know what's wrong. You're not here, you're not in my arms, and this isn't a sweet christmas any other way. Truth be told I feel like a horrid man, cause the first thought I had this morning was I'd give every single present just to spend this day with you.

12:57am: To Slumber But Slumber Gladly
Well, although nothing today seemed to go right, I think it has been the best day I've had in months. Feel giddy and happy, certainly got a big smile on my face. Its that rarest of smiles reserved for the happiest of feelings. While I could go off on a tangent and let this happiness form into regret and emptiness for what it may represent I refuse to! Simply on the principle of how it was given, and how it has relieved so much stress from me. Holding on to this good feeling for as long as I can carry it, and then some more. I even stop feeling bad about wearing these rings again, despite what they are to represent, it just feels right anyway. There is so much I want to express right now but I lack the words to describe it, there is something growing within me that I cannot capture long enough to compare it to any worldly existence. And as my heart soars into my head taking control of all my functions this warm sensation takes me on a high and I am once more blissfully unaware of all torments my mind could care to throw at me. This invincibility may not be everlasting but it is amazing for the short while it is to last. I feel that if I dream tonight, it will be a good dream, a good dream I will feel good for having. Though given certain natures of the day, it could turn out in such a way I may feel a little guilty, yet I don't feel that will stop me, though it has been a recurring theme before. So I actually am off to sleep, hopefully it will be a good one. =D

1:04pm: Stuck on Repeat
Well I guess like they say, 'Once you pop, you can't stop'. So much I wanna write, got half poems floating round my head waiting to drop out any minute, wish I hadn't started on that Coldplay cd but it was all I had in the car. So many times I've thought of writing you about everything, sending you a letter, but then I thought how unfair that was. You don't need to read it, you know it. You know how sorry I am for losing myself like I did, how hard I fought to keep you, how much I'm still in love with you, how I'm never giving up on you. Its so horrid that the simplest words say it best but you were the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life and I don't want to let go. Even though I know you've cut your end and you're tying off with another, or looking to, I still hold on like it never broke. I really just don't know how, I can't let this feeling out, it'll kill me.

Strange thing is I know people look at me, there people who maybe I would go with, yet nothing, nothing registers. Not even a flinch, because I can't fulfill their lives. I can't lie to the people I care about and how can you live a life without telling someone they're the only one, that you love them like no other. If I can't do that I can't live, I can't give them everything I have to give. So I carry on, put on that smile, move forward and try and work out where I'm heading, drifting out to see I realise I know this place too well. The remaining years of my life will be spent battling the storms trying to keep afloat and above that water line, wary of the monsters in the murky depths that only long for me to join them. Maybe I'll get lucky and find an island, or pass for a while some friendly companion before I steer them toward civilisation. But i'll continue to drift like drifting was all there was to do, maybe if there is an edge to this unseemly world I'll fall off and freefall till the rush kills me too. I have experienced utter bliss, an untold high of pure joy and I found it in your arms. So fulfilled by your presence living without you is not only a world of utter loneliness, its beyond that now, no my world is also one of emptyness.

While I can smile, laugh and enjoy the company of others, feel some fulfillment as I bring joy to others, happiness continues to elude me. Such a shortlived moment it makes it all the harder to forget. This mess I create for myself will inevitably be the very thing that consumes me. But in the shadows, you no longer have to see my pain. When all I wish is for you to be happy.

11:16am: Torn
Well I've been trying so hard of late. Trying to keep myself afloat, the funky sounds of 'The Music' had kept me brimming just on the happy side of things for so long. But after the past few days I found the dark side to their music. Maybe I shouldn't have got my license back because the way I've been driving since I've been home, its amazing nobody has suffered because of it. I thought I was coping with most stressful things pretty well. That was till friday, arguing with my dad, swearing a bit my mum may have lost it. As she walked away she sarcastically spat "I love it when you come home". As I asked her to come back down and eat she told me not while I'm still there. Such a wonderful feeling I carried inside, poor Vicky has been at the bad end of all my bad days and I'm sorry for it.

Though I finally saw her yesterday after many near misses. When she held me the world of misery and pain floated away once more, in that infinite moment that lasted nearly an hour in my mind it was another glimpse of the heaven I'll never touch. She was getting ready for her christmas work party. She was stunning, in fact the best I've ever seen her, she never wore anything like that with me. Always dressed up, afraid to show herself, afraid of showing her knee, coaxing on make-up. I always tried to show her herself, guess it was me holding her back. Almost looked like she was dressing to grab someone's attention but that's my torturous mind at work. Sometimes I wish she would find someone, someone decent, so that I may leave her be.

It was torture being there, donna winding me up trying to drop hints. Implying things I already knew about. I guess it hurt a little how much Vicky avoided saying her lift was Graham, I knew it would be but it was worse that she didn't want to say, you only hide something when there's something to hide. The man being the unobservant and unknowing fool he is said nothing of how brilliant she looked, said nothing all evening in fact. Yet its obvious he likes her, maybe words mean little to him, he uses so little of them despite how uplifting a few small words can be. Maybe that was my fault, always trying to show her how special she is all the time, I wouldn't have done so if she only realised it even just for a second. Her parnoia of it spoils her fun so often and I just wanted to help take that away.

I feel sorry for alice, we ended up speaking the whole evening about her but this time it wasn't so bitter, it was merely how we both miss her so much. How we just want her to acknowledge our existence, does vicky even realise the power she seems to rule over us both? Maybe me more I have no idea, yesterday made me realise how completely besotted with her I still am. As much control as I have of my mind I simply cannot remove this love from it despite the pain and suffering and torment it causes me. Still afraid to sleep, the dreams have got worse, before they were happy dreams I just didn't want because happy as they were they were dreams and dreams alone. Now they're worse, they're nightmares, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to dream, dreams have never brought me much joy in my lifetime.

I dream only of lying next to that beautiful girl, gently stroking her hair and whispering to her softly as she drifts to sleep. Watching her breathe so peaceful, calm, like the world couldn't harm her. So affected in the wake she is such a calm and beautiful creature when she sleeps, it really fulfilled every part of me with a feeling I cannot even describe. I realised last night, the only reason I speak of her so often is that the ONLY happy memories I carry, I spent with her, I have no others, I surely doubt I will again and that it will no doubt be my own doing that causes that. But truth be told, if she doesn't want me, then I don't want no other, because I can never be good enough.

12:18am: Highway to... well you know
Strange this feeling of numbness, wanting to experience a car crash simply to awaken myself from this dazed state of mind. It was in this moment of feeling that I realised my life is all too like a road accident. Breezing along building up momentum when other accidents slow me down until eventually I have one of my own. I just want off this crazy ride. Let me be alone

9:01pm: GMO! GMO! GMO! GMO! (The rebound)
Hahahahahah so yeah carrying on from earlier after that random gap, or rather my pain lecture which was relatively painless. My computer has returned with new processor and am currently trying to rescue all my data, music and the rest, going to take HOURS. I wanna play WoW, just for an hour, 1 hour of WoW is all i ask =( ah well. Still vicky text me again, it was great, totally unexected and really made me a real bag of random excited happiness heheheheheh. Monkeys! We need more monkeys! Anyhow moving on with my dissertation, plans to go to my lake and take some pics, go peak district again and take some more there then I go to middlesbrough on Friday to see Alice and will take more there, see various movies, play a few games and generally chill out before a serious catch up and series of library sessions the week after. So its all getting busy but i'm still smiling and things feel like their heading up and all because I've returned to my wacky self and found that eccentric optimism that makes this world bearable once more. Anyhow lots to do, I'm just determined to keep this journal going, I like it =D

1:10pm: OMG OMG OMG OMG!
Its a happy entry!!!! AAAH what will i do! In this journal rife with apin, scorn, misery and self-hatred how can I place a random, excited upbeat and happy entry. =D Cos i just got of the phone to that wonderful uplifting spirit named Vicky-Jane and Rocket Summer is booming fiercely out of this laptop's worn down speakers and my mind is racing to untold highs not seen in years. Hehehhehehehe

So yeah, not that exciting a day if you ask me but still. Hopefully i get my computer back today and a quick round up of my week can bring things into light. Went home friday to have a special night out with all mine and vicky's friends. Shot to coventry to pick up Lewis (da man!) and then made that 4 hour journey up, with some map reading that shall not be mentioned to protect certain people, and finally we picked up the wacky (and short) Alice (purdy!) ;-) Then a rather rushed 5-6 hour journey back to essex. So we all go out, I never even get to stop driving and after 11 hours on the road we're at the Kursaal. Yay!

Still unmentioned is that before this weekend I had prepared myself, accepted that maybe Vicky wasn't coming back, that she may want others and still managed to find myself in all this mess of feeling. A wonderful charade where I didn't have to feel but I could pretend i was me. Still not even 10secs with Vix in the car and its torn down, we're fighting. When alice gets in I'm back to my little charade playing about hehehehe. At Kursaal plans go even worse, it was already strained by Lewis' family being there but it was gonna be ok cos we were meant to have a laugh in Southend and maybe Hadleigh after. Disasterously even Graham and Craig showed up, not a prob, can all have a laugh. So I thought, except I was kinda ostracised by them both and subsequently vicky herself. Still I almost bowled over 100, so close. After Vicky "went home" lewis was tired and left with his family and I could see Alice didn't wanna go, though I think she wanted to be Vix, so I stayed with her. Glad I did, we had a bit of a laugh. Tea and hot chocolate before hiding from the bitter winds at the little seating shed thing. Whatever you call em hehehehe, monkey huts =P

Still after that we continued with our plan and went to Hadleigh Castle, but it was piss poor dark and we started getting tired so we both went home. Well I spoke with vix on saturday and i felt a little better and on Sunday it was great. Before leaving me, alice and lewis managed to take pictures of that tree near Makro I've wanted to picture for ages (see the results here Decadent Tree and Decadent Tree 2). Anyway on the fun packed journey home and after a rather rushed journey to get into Essex I was doing the safest driving of my life back up to Coventry before heading to see Tracy Chapman in concert at the NEC. Well as luck would have it traffic pulled to a stop outside Watford Gap Services suddenly, watching my rear view mirror I saw the car behind pull to a stop and breathed a sigh of relief. SCRRRRREEEEECH BANG! Yup, some idiot flew down the motorway pushing the car behind mine into my rear.

So yes after that eventful Sunday in which the whole car was a solid picture of calm and we all bonded so much after that event. So we never made it to see Tracy =( and monday was spent calling various companies about insurance, car rental. Atleast I got to see Vicky for another day which was good though I started fun things that evening which allowed me to regain control of my mind. Still on tuesday I made the lovely journey home in my rented Renault Clio to get home that evening and BANG! Yup, my motherboard blew on my PC taking with it my processor, memory and graphics card. Wonderful, so £250 later I put it all together and *sniff sniff* whats that smell, why won't my PC start? Yup in my rush to get my life back in order I put the RAM in the wrong way round =( another RAM and motherboard gone. But as I said, hopefully thats sorted today.

.... More later, gotta go

4:25am: Torn between so many worlds, my mind becomes clouded and I find each day difficult. Everything is changing from minute to minute and I do not know how to keep up with it all. My judgement does not seem at all clear and stepping back I wonder what my motives are. Running short of time, I need to solve all of this, get on track before I fail this course, fail the people around me, fail myself. Yet those new around me, see right inside, see what I am supposed to be, they find only everything I'm meant to show. Still it only shows that I am still inside, that though I'm struggling to keep him alive he's still showing. I'm very tired right now, struggling to express what it is I need to write, hopefully tomorrow will be better. I need to keep this journal going, I dislike how I've neglected it of late.

3:09pm: Why am i doing this? Its like I can see my self falling apart but I'm not at the wheel, yet I know that I am. I don't know what to do, i've never been here before. Demoralized, Desensitized, Unmotivated, Unhappy and bitter. Even my dreams are working against me! TEasing me with lies, then twisting them, and then making a nightmare and this time it ended, I actually did it all. I said no to her, pushed her away, but in it she was making me do a terrible thing, I hated it, I ran away, kept running, they were all chasing me, everyone, they cared but i didn't. I died. Yet though I woke up knowing it was a nightmare, I was relieved. So very relieved. I'm not doing well. I'm not going to get back from this in time. It's over. Never dream

2:22pm: A Fond Farewell to My Love
And so it is, the world beats me with its lies, promises of a better life. Whether i believed it was the world as a united front or just the complicated reaction of people to my very own action or somewhere in between I strived on through, broke down a few times but i never caved in. Guess there has to be a time, one time in your life when you did. I've just never had it. So as my world falls down, i sit, i smile and wave a little goodbye, and wait to see whats in the void, a new life, a new love, or just empty space. Confusion ended, face the truth, before they both kill you. I got someone looking out for me, i'll be alright, don't think i can break em, i'm sorry i broke you. More sorry than you'll ever know.

I loved you more than you ever knew, and i mean it, the amount you think i love you know is nowhere close. But i think that was my problem, i loved you too much, i could never tell you pretty lies and i've hurt you more times than i can bear. So its only right that you hurt me too. Just i never thought it would hurt this way. So back to square one, like the start of my journal. Cause just like her, it wasn't you leaving that destroyed me, if you must know how it was i got past jenny its because she lied. She made promises that when she didn't keep broke me in two.

Now i have to be clear again, and i know what i have to do. I can't leave the way i want, but i never could could i, I'm just still not sure whether it is for other people or whether because I'm a coward. See all those times i tried I could never break the skin but the pain brought such joy. I'm a twisted, broken machine and nothing more. I was deluded to believe that love could come to such a mechanistic and hollow thing as myself no matter how much I cared.

So that's how it goes, life moves on, but I do not, still stuck on my last problem, because it reminds me that I'm alive, this pain tells me I had something once, the pain tells me this heart once did beat to wonderous rythym, that this cold hand once was held so warmly and tenderly. That this dry lips once were part of a beautiful movement to quench my thirsty desire. These tears moisten eyes dry from staring so intently at one of the very best things they had ever seen before. A wonderous beauty, a gentle and caring person who was to show me that maybe living wasn't such a bad thing after all. Just its hard to admit the truth when something has to be lie. I needed you, I wanted you for me, I am a selfish man, I wanted you to take this pain away because it runs so deep. Now I'm back again, i can see inside once more, and i know you do not want this, and i don't want to be the guilt that you carry. So you won't. It's over and to be frank, i wish you told me sooner, rather than protect my feelings, cos it hurts so much more than it would have then. SO VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH more, maybe its the last thing i'll show you, help you learn from. Lies can cause the worst pain, especially when they're from someone you care about. Goodbye my love, i don't know who I'll be when you next meet me.

5:15am: Life ever decreasing until its final end. Ultimately we destroy ourselves. Me, i'm killing myself on something i don't even know exists, whether its reality hidden or a dream I had one weekend. Thing is my life i'm hiding from is trying to move on, finding new things. Its all too confusing and its ripping me apart. Being honest, i much rather end this mortal existence right here and now but if my life is taught me anything its I don't get what I want. Maybe i just don't make it happen, maybe i don't want anything hard enough or maybe the few things I do are just too unrealistic. All i know, is my hopes, dreams and wants they're killing each other and they're killing me. I want to detach myself from this world, this life, hide away, life loses all meaning and I'm not sure I can live if I can't get over it all. Even if I wanted something else, I won't ever get over her, not ever. I know it in my heart of hearts and I cannot put another through that. They say misery loves company, well I'm a friendly guy, it couldn't ask for better company. Me and misery, spend most our time together anyhow, in the lonely dark moments such as this one. Still i can't stop the thoughts, she's in everything, lying here writing this and all I can think is 'we slept here once' dream of how I would smell her hair and hold her tight. I'm an intelligent guy, I can see this is killing me but I don't do a thing about it, where is the problem? Cause i can't see it? Ironic that I give the world my love but its love thats going to kill me. I'll die alone, just like I believed I would before I met you, nothing changes, you indulged me, probably never loved me that way, I don't know, we all believe things till we find out they're not real. I'll die alone and I can't help but think thats what I deserve